We had hoped to launch our test programme "Roaches in Space", by sending a 'manned' packet across Europe to another antennae of the AAA. This packet was in turn to be sent on to another; thus over a period of months we would train Edgar and Louisa -- our two top bugs after weeks of preparations, many volunteers failing to survive the centrifuge. But insurmountable technical problems reared their ugly heads. Weeks of isolation for the roachonauts required food, air and recreation. Practical details such as toilets and physical exercise for the inhabitants of this miniscule cabin lead to delays and problems, and the variations in postal temperature were finally overcome by a boundless ingenuity. Everything was ergonomised for weightlessness. But how to overcome the biggest enemy of space travel, neurasthenia, the fear of the sorting office? We had composed a special library for the roaches (to those who object that cockroaches can't read we would point out that Edgar and Louisa were exceptional, they had class, they weren't the banal cockroaches which are crushed underfoot in the kitchen.
They would have been perfectly capable of mastering the art of reading if Edgar hadn't continually disrupted Louisa during the lessons). We also included a complete cable TV channel, but the first installment "Roaches on Mars" swallowed up the whole budget - primarily because for Louisa, who played the starring part, it was the only thing which could maintain her interest for months and months. This made us question the whole basis of our glorious enterprise. Then other doubts arose. Weren't we going to reproduce the same errors as NASA by utilising animals as guinea pigs. This report isn't aimed at discouraging our fellow independent cosmonauts but to inspire confidence tempered by prudence. Our experience gave rise to a distressing result. When the shuttle was launched it overshot the post bag and crashed to the ground under the wheels of a yellow lorry. Things could have been worse - if the shuttle had got lost in the postal system, Edgar and Louisa would have been condemned to a long and lingering death once their supplies had run out. At least they didn't have time to suffer. No matter, this hold back has prepared us. We will find something else. Tomorrow mankind will escape from gravity, and, as ever, we shall be at the forefront.